{"id":70,"date":"2021-11-10T22:28:08","date_gmt":"2021-11-11T03:28:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.matt-philips.com\/?page_id=70"},"modified":"2021-12-05T00:14:09","modified_gmt":"2021-12-05T05:14:09","slug":"matts-l-i-f-e-story","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.matt-philips.com\/index.php\/l-i-f-e-goals\/matts-l-i-f-e-story\/","title":{"rendered":"Matt’s L.I.F.E. Story"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Warning: Intended for Mature Audience<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The video and information below involve topics such as depression, anxiety, self-mutilation, suicide, and guns. If any of these things trigger or offend you, I suggest navigating to another page on this website or one of our more entertaining and uplifting videos.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Video<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Click here to watch a video of Matt and Sarah sharing the story below.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Matt\u2019s Story (As of Aug 24, 2018)<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This story may come as a surprise to a lot of my friends and coworkers, most of the subscribers to the YouTube channel, and even a few people who have known me personally for quite some time, because this isn\u2019t really a topic that people like to chat about at dinner or post about on Facebook and I\u2019m pretty sure almost everyone I know thinks of me as, \u201cThat crazy guy who is always smiling, laughing, and making jokes<\/strong>.\u201d I know I am nothing compared to the man and comedian Robin Williams was, but his story brings to light the fact that even the funniest people in the world can still be struggling<\/strong> and may just be really good at hiding how they really feel\u2026 or that they might be using humor to escape from their struggles every now and then. I believe he was also the one who said that, \u201cAll it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul, and they will never notice how broken you really are.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul, and they will never notice how broken you really are.<\/p>Robin Williams (I think)<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

High School and College Life<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I have personally been struggling with both anxiety and depression since at least high school<\/strong>, but at that stage in a person\u2019s life, it is difficult to know if it is real mental health issues<\/strong>, or just a combination of stress, hormones, bullying, and trying to fit in or stand out. These are certainly things which should not be ignored, as they can all affect a person\u2019s life and be detrimental to their mental health, but there is just so much going on at that time in a person\u2019s life that it is difficult to pinpoint specific causes of anything going on. I have always had a wonderful family and great friends, so you would have expected everything to be fine for me through those years, but yet I cut, carved, and burned myself<\/strong> intentionally on multiple occasions just to feel something different and have a temporary \u2018escape\u2019 from how I almost always felt. Thankfully, none of those incidents were significant enough to require hospital visits or leave any noticeable, permanent scars on my skin, so I don\u2019t have to worry about covering them up or being judged, but I will certainly remember those times for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout college in Cincinnati, I continued to deal with these issues, and the added stress of challenging classes certainly did not help, but instead of self-mutilation, I began seriously considering ending my own life<\/strong> and making plans for how I would do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Skydiving, Riding Motorcycles, and Hang Gliding<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Unrelated to those suicidal thoughts, I went skydiving with some friends in 2009<\/a> and quickly realized that experiences and hobbies like that could significantly help<\/strong> me temporarily escape my depression without hurting myself. I also found that these things would give me opportunities to look forward to on the really bad days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In early 2010, I bought my first super-sport motorcycle (a Honda CBR600RR) and began riding around the hills of Northern Kentucky whenever I had a chance. Later that year, I also began taking hang gliding lessons every weekend and quickly became a certified hang glider pilot and bought my own glider and gear!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trying Therapy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Somewhere around this time, I decided I should get help with my mental health and started looking for whatever therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist would be covered by insurance to see if they could help me more permanently, rather than relying on my hobbies to keep me going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, instead of connecting me with a professional, the university paired me up with a psych student that needed practice with real people. That didn\u2019t help my situation at all and just made my anxiety even worse<\/strong> because of how much time I felt like I was wasting every session.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Making Plans for a Future<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In 2012, I drove to Pittsburgh and proposed to my long-distance girlfriend<\/strong> at the time. I was scheduled to graduate in December of that year, and wanted some sort of commitment before uprooting my life and moving to a new city with no family or friends just to be with her while she finished school. She said \u201cyes\u201d, so I began the search for jobs and apartments that would bring us closer together! By Spring of 2013, we were living together in downtown Pittsburgh and figuring out plans<\/strong> for after she graduated (which we were waiting on for wedding planning). Meanwhile, I was working downtown full-time, starting up a hang gliding school<\/strong> by myself on the weekends, and finishing up a hardware\/software invention prototype that I had been developing for a couple years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Pieces (Almost) Coming Together<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In May, my fianc\u00e9e of the time took an internship job that would last a few months in Houston. While she was out of town, I decided to really buckle down on things in an effort to have more free time when she returned. By the middle of July, everything was fitting together perfectly<\/strong>; my hang gliding school was getting a lot of new students, I finished a working prototype and was scheduling demos with potential investors, I began a joint venture with someone on another startup, and my fianc\u00e9e was scheduled to come home in a month and graduate so we could start planning a wedding and moving out West<\/strong>! On July 18th, 2013, I even made a Facebook post that said, \u201cAnd then all the puzzle pieces start fitting together\u2026this could just work\u201d. I was feeling more hopeful than ever before.<\/strong> Two days later, my fianc\u00e9e at the time broke up with me over Skype<\/strong>\u2026I can only assume she met a guy in Houston and needed to break up with me before she came back to Pittsburgh so her conscience could be cleared. This was certainly hard to take in, but I didn\u2019t really feel the full effect at this point, since she was still in Houston.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the beginning of August, both startups were going well and I was feeling pretty good about my prototype demos. My full-time job even let me switch to part-time remote work so I could focus more of my time on these ventures without worrying about paying rent and bills! My ex-fianc\u00e9e, however, moved back into the apartment by mid-August, so I began thinking about and planning vacations by myself to get away<\/strong>, and even started the grandiose plan to go on a three month expedition as the first person to cross the US in a powered hang glider. I had television interviews lined up and everything! As you probably guessed, that hasn\u2019t happened yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everything Falling Apart<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Not even a week after my ex-fianc\u00e9e moved back into the apartment, the boss at my part-time job sent an email to me to let me know the part-time gig wasn\u2019t working out and my account would be disabled. Unfortunately, he either sent that email to my work account after I had signed out or he misspelled my personal email, because I never got that warning. The next morning, when I woke up and attempted to login to work for a bit, I discovered that my account had been disabled<\/strong>! When I emailed them to find out what was wrong, I discovered I had been terminated<\/strong>. Over the next couple days, the startup I was partnering with started running into major logistical setbacks<\/strong> that we could not afford, and I received rejection letters<\/strong> from all the potential investors I had been demoing with. Within a period of just a week, my ex-fianc\u00e9e moved in and everything I had been hopeful for fell apart<\/strong>. All I had was my hang gliding school and that season was quickly coming to an end. I had barely enough money to pay the bills<\/strong> for a couple months, still had student loans<\/strong> to pay off, and was already racking up credit card debt<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Almost Ending it All<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When I went to bed on August 24, 2013, I couldn\u2019t sleep because just a week prior, I felt like I had finally overcome my anxiety and depression and would be able to achieve my dreams, but now life had officially ripped that all down and defeated me<\/strong>. I was living in Pittsburgh with no family, few friends, very little money<\/strong>, and students who paid for hang gliding lessons\u2026so now I was now obligated to either pay them back or stay in town. I was literally shaking, crying, and completely overwhelmed<\/strong> by everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the time, I commonly slept with a .40 caliber handgun under my pillow, in case of a break-in or other threat. It always had a full magazine with nothing in the chamber, so all I had to do was rack the slide and pull the trigger to solve everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As my whole body continued to shake that night, I racked the slide and stumbled to the living room of the apartment as a last ditch call for help if anybody was out there. Everybody was asleep, so I fell to my knees, held the gun to my head, and pulled the trigger.<\/strong> My shaking and weak hands must not have racked the slide properly, because that is the only time I have ever had my gun jam on me. I\u2019m not a religious person, so I\u2019m not going there, but I\u2019m sure some of you are. At this point, I was shaking too much to free the jam and stumbled to my ex-fianc\u00e9e\u2019s door to help me. She helped me finally stop shaking and I fell asleep while she called my family to let them know what had just happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recovering and Fighting Back<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Over the next week of talking to my family and friends, I decided to make an effort to fight back and reclaim my life<\/strong>. I started searching again for psychiatrists and found one nearby. I also decided I would focus more on travel, hobbies, and experiences<\/strong> that make me happy, rather than putting so much time into my projects and inventions, which led me to do two things:
1) Even though I was broke, jobless, and in debt, I drove to Orlando and maxed out my credit cards on powered hang gliding equipment<\/strong> which would let me fly pretty much anywhere, whenever I wanted to.
2) I planned to start producing and sharing photos and videos of everything I did to try to inspire people and motivate them to enjoy their life, rather than end it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The psychiatrist prescribed me some drugs<\/strong>, and I took them for a while, but they seemed to just make me feel numb to everything and had strange side-effects. They very likely helped me get back to my feet<\/strong>, but what I primarily attribute to my improvement is always having future travel <\/strong>to look forward to, learning new hobbies<\/strong>, practicing old ones, and dreaming <\/strong>of becoming a full-time YouTube videographer, along with always having friends and family cheering me on.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Looking Back on what I Could Have Missed<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Since that day, just five years ago, the following things have happened which would have been impossible if that gun hadn\u2019t jammed:<\/p>\n\n\n\n